Solo Ensemble

Last week, I was invited to the a local school district to adjudicate their Solo Ensemble Contest.  I judged about forty performances of 6-12 grades students, performing solos, duets, double duets, and Music Theater pieces.  I was pretty excited, as I haven't done much of anything in the school setting since leaving my teaching job back in 2012!  I was a little nervous too, hoping that I could recall my skills and communicate effectively to the kids.  

Some of the performances were pretty rough.  There were a few standout performances that were great.  It was nice to work with kids, and do my best to encourage them as many of them were performing for the first time ever.  What I didn't expect was my reaction to being back in a school setting.  As I was talking to their teacher, listening to her discuss her lack of a prep time, the reality of traveling between buildings, the difficulty and disappointment in trying to recruit and retain numbers in this increasingly anti-arts education society, and the pain and frustration of trying to meet the individual needs of each student, that familiar knot returned to my stomach.  I remember all too well the frustration and anxiety that I lived with every day for five years.  Will my numbers be high enough for the administration to support the program?  Is this student being abused?  Will the school board cut my job?  How do I go on teaching when I've lost a student to suicide?  How do I handle not belonging to any school, because I float between them and don't feel welcome at any?  How do I handle parents who are confrontational or not supportive, and feel their children are above the rules?  How do I effectively communicate that the arts do matter and that students that study them are far more successful at math and reading?  How do teach a class full of 84 5th graders with no paraprofessional and several students with severe special needs?  How do I incorporate standardized testing into a music curriculum when it's like shoving a round peg in a square hole?

That knot in my stomach was like a  muscle memory or a reflex, and as I listened to that dear teacher, I had this crystallizing moment when everything was so clear to me:  I do not want to go back to public school teaching.  I love kids and I love teaching; But the emotional energy that it requires is far beyond what I can give without making deep sacrifices to my personal happiness.  It was challenging for me before I had kids.  It would be nearly impossible for me with kids of my own. Every single one of those frustrations sticks with me and makes my heart heavy and I do not want to take on that burden again.  This may sound like a sad realization, but it was actually very liberating for me.  I feel vindicated in my decision to stay home with my kids, and use my music skills in other ways in my community.  I am such a happier person than I was when I was teaching full time, and it took this experience of being back in a school again to help me realize it definitively.